everything starts over again...

Lieve lieve Martine.....

KIKI

je zusje,
wat ze voor je betekent weet jij alleen.
Je zegt het zelf zo mooi....

alles begint opnieuw   




for Martine

yesterday her sister past away...Martine said....everything starts over again...

LI PO

De vogels zijn in de lucht verdwenen,
de laatste wolk drijft nu weg.
We zitten bijeen, de berg en ik,
totdat alleen de berg nog over is.

The birds have vanished down the sky.
Now the last cloud drains away.
We sit together, the mountain and me,
until only the mountain remains.


Colorado...we think about you

suicide

Can I write  about last weeks?  I decided to do this because if it helps only one person in the world, I did the right thing. If you read this blog longer than today, you know I'm bi-polar. It's  difficult for the people who love me, because they see a happy Yvette when I'm very sad. The sadder the happier. In the  revalidation team is a psychologist who found me strange. If  you know me, you know I'm always a little strange, funny, chaotic, always in for a joke, a new adventure.... well .... a little strange. She ( the psychologist) put me aside for a talk. A couple of questions made it clear , that I was close to loosing contact with reality. Loosing contact with reality is in my case the cause of a severe death wish , and often I found myself in intensive care after a suicide attempt , not knowing what happened.

No cry for help as often is said.

An impulsive act from a disturbed person.

Please don't judge suicidal people

Do not think you are the cause of a suicide, if you lost someone

thanks

Please, try to love the distance between us.
Isn't it wonderful to see me as I am
Not distorted, not twisted.
Me, myself, I.


                                                          
                                     Wat zou ik graag willen dat je leert houden van de afstand tussen ons.
                                     Wat is mooier dan mijn eigenheid te zien.
                                     Geen verwrongen, geketend mens.
                                     Ik, mezelf, mij.

closeup van eik/oak cloth under seawater

you

where can YOU listen to your inner voice?
the sound of the really you
the moment intuition takes over








for me it's being in nature and playing with natures gifts

make fun out of fear

make fun out of fear or fear into fun


it's really  stupid because they are so beautiful, but I'm afraid of toads
actually i once saw a toad and WAS so  afraid that  I jumped up a table at a dinner in the garden
not being the slimmest person in the world there was "some" damage and total confusion with my guests
how I became there on the table,  I don't know, but panic does strange things with you
now if I look at a toad, I remember that dinner and start to giggle....
fun out of fear

Just back from an appointment with the people taking care of my mother.
It was a good conversation, it made my worries diminish but my mother came sitting with us. She saw me entering the building, searched and found me.
She was angry I didn't call her to be present at the conversation, and later she start crying because I betrayed her by speaking behind her back.
If she couldn't trust me, who could be trusted. Her son, but he was at work. Why didn't Das correct me in speaking about her.
There is no necessity  to speak about her.
She sails between  everything (her words) so they don't see her and don't get mad at her.
Why Yvette, why do you spoil it for me here.
I love you so much and try to be good for you and now you do this to me...why?
she's so sad
I'm so sad

fucking disease (excusé le mot)

Noud

7 mei 1945
Noud's birthday.
Today you would be 67 years old...
Still missed
But also still close

Remembrance of the death

4 mei

dodenherdenking

laten we ze nooit vergeten

de oorlogsslachtoffers

van toen

van nog steeds

Dutch day of remembrance of war-dead, from past and present.

magic diaries

magic diaries



a never ending story of possibilities with cloth

quilting was my first love.
My first quilt was a 999 hexagon quilt with pieces of family cloth (pyjama of my grandfather, favourite dress of my grandmother, first friends red "boeren" hankie, etc etc (must make a picture although I have to repaire it )




When I started making felt, I thought it was love forever, also a never ending story of possibilities.

The journey goes on and on. On the pictures felt between 2 layers of natural dyed silk, mended, embroidered, extra patched with beautiful pieces of cloth, new quilt stitches, new applique methods learnt day by day in the magic diary class. How long it takes to finish?                   Does it matter?                                                                         

stop thinking..start playing

 I have to stop thinking, being afraid,  troubled, worried, sad, mad, feeling bad.






I have to live the moment..

PLAY

why bother?

 

The Spinoza problem.

Yalom.

God is nature, everything happens according to natures rules.

 We have to renovate our house so I'm forced to empty it. As an artist I see possibilities to use almost everything I see. The aspect of saving things in case of  possible war came from my grandparents and parents who suffered in world war 11. I've lots of soap and other useful things they saved. My late husband was the son of prime minister Cals who lived in the bigbig Cats huis with exclusive furniture (far to big to use in a simple house but we have it) heaps of books etc etc. Can you imagine how much stuff (and dust) I gathered? Time has come to be realistic, I never ever have time and power to work with my "treasures". Fortunately Yvonne is in my life for over 20 years. We were felt friends, we met at Inge Evers paper/felt working group,  but now there is so much more between us. We share heavy, happy and sad things in life.  Now she helps me with organising my stuff.

Yvonne is very down to earth, no nonsense and practical. All use full things go to op shops or people she knows and makes happy with them. She helps me unravelling my head too. We had lots and lots of conversations about philosophers and Spinoza is our favourite.Again and again it's clear for me that  things happen in the natural way..... it's time to clear my house because we have to renovate..... because we have a hole in the roof..... because if it rains..... because........ because

why bother if things happen as they were mend to happen.

through pain you learn the most

sadness

In a comment about a post about sadness Tammie wrote

Sadness makes it possible to know how to care for yourself and understand those that share the same. So .. sadness I think is necessary for compassion.

need I say more?

Inge Evers...

Inge

you'll miss Wik your husband
but, the both of you exist in the same continuum
the line is thin

(Inge Evers is the Dutch felting queen)

While reading the post from Donna Watson , I wondered why I often wake up very frightened. My first thoughts are all the things I absolutly must do during the day. No wonder I'm frightened. Better is to touch  one of my dogs. That brings me in a quiet state of mind. Not all those painfull stuff, but the love from the dogs and the result of that love.
Thoughts about loving and being loved, being worthful, being somebody that brings happiness around her, somebody who creates beauty.
Take time to create happy thinking must be my goal so good energy, more energy will take the place from the tired feeling and lack of energy.

Donna said.......creating from mindfulness...thanks Donna http://donnawatsonart.blogspot.com/ for this beautifull blogpost

 

I miss my fiber friends. My spinal injury means not being able to sit for long, to travel, to visit friends, gatherings, parties, dinners or workshops. A lot of real friends come to me, so nothing to complain. I can walk so I'm often outside with my dogs. Being on the beach, walking on mother earth is so important, so no complains. Although I'm in pain, heavy pain and need morfine to help me through the day, I'm very happy with my life, my husband, Das, my dogs, friends and all the beauty around me, still....

I miss my fiberfriends
But.....there is a book called "living well with pain and illness" by Vidyamale Burch.
Mindfulness, healthy breathing, meditating and yoga , helps me to cope with that .
so maybe......

little by little

Little by little energy comes back
spring is always the time of the year I'm very depressed (being bipolair can be difficult) I let people down by not being there for them, I start feeling guilty, I feel more and  more guilty untill I'm the worst person in the world
nobody can tell I'm not
why spring?
no idea

she knows it all...

Shuka, we adopted her when she was really confused. She's with us for 5 years now and it was a real puzzle getting to know her, she knew but we didn't understand. Shuka is my mirror and she knows all. When I'm sad she looks at me the way she does on the picture...come on Yvette...look at me..I need you to be strong..I need you to be joyfull...I need you to be my leader. So if I'm insecure she is and that is not a good thing. She takes over and can bite what she think is dangerous. That's why she has the thing around her mouth (snuitje). Dogs live in the here and now and Shuka (as my other dogs do too) learns me so many lessons just by looking at them.....

she knows it all!

......................................................................................................................................................................

Elly, een van mijn dierbare webbies, vroeg me waarom ik in het engels schrijf. Eigenlijk gaf ze zelf het antwoord al. Het engels geeft me iets meer afstand van wat ik schrijf, soms persoonlijke emotionele dingen. Het is poor english met veel fouten maar ik begrijp het en in eerste instantie was dit een blog voor mezelf ( Dorie dit is de reden dat je het nog nooit gezien hebt)

feltingyoursoul

felting your soul is besmet dus vanaf nu mijn berichtjes hier.
malware on felting your soul so from now on I'll post here.

Noud, ver weg maar altijd dicht bij.
Nog steeds doet elk veertje me weer even bij je zijn, zoals we hadden afgesproken voordat je dood ging.

still every feather make me think of Noud.
before he died he said....every feather is a message from me to you.


thank you feltingyoursoul....you gave me so much....

tast....take a stitch tuesday

a new  goal
a crazy  diary quilt
a mixture of stitches from Sharon ( a weekly stitch, given to be learned )
and number 1 inspirator... Jude from Sprit Cloth.
starting from here.......heavy cotton, printed (almost forgot....India Flint...)with cotinus and rust, false couch stitch with the written...love you more...
now try the flystitch........wish me luck

while writing this, my phone is ringing and my mother is speaking on my answering machine. She's crying and my heart breaks, she wants me to be with her, she has the idea the building she lives in is broken down, big pieces of concrete falling down, she asks where her grandchildren are, do they have her pashmina between the clothes she gave away, she's afraid my dogs run over, there's a head of a dead dear in the hall, what to do with the man who follows her everywhere, didn´t I see the glass coffin where the dead man was in?  She's tries to ring me mobile and house telephone at the same time (a very strange happening I must say..2 telephones ringing at the same time from 1 person...) she knows how to reach me but at the same time she doesn't understand i'm not standing next to her. A very nice gentleman from the nursing home installed a quick number so she can reach me with ease. Mam, i'm so sad, so very sad, you have to be so frightened. If I give in and come to you, I make things worse, you being afraid starts sooner and sooner, you must depend on the nurses there, I must live a life of my own. It's crap I've to lay down most of the day and hear you call...I wish I could be out.

I notice i can write this with more distance because it's in english. I have to write it down because it helps me to cope with my sadness and not being able to change the path my mother has to walk.  I've been asked why out and in the open, but this is my way .

sorry, no need to read.

on top of it all bad english, bad bad english

my way

If what you are going to say isn’t more beautiful than silence, don’t say it.

THIS TIME LAST YEAR, I WORKED FOR MY EXHIBITION. LOTS OF COMPLIMENTS LOTS OF WORDS. NOW WORKING WITH THE LEFTOVERS IN SILENCE       

 STITCHING IN SILENCE

 THINKING IN SILENCE

 FEELING MAGIC IN SILENCE

FEELING HAPPY IN SILENCE

THANKING HEAVEN FOR SILENCE

1 september...the truth comes in silence

The first of september..my plan....from this day on every day a piece of magic cloth to show on this blog.

 Reality is different. Life cannot be forced in a specific direction. 1 september Das's mother went to hospital to be diagnosed with cancer on her nose. Not really dangerous but she was very upset and angry why so soon after the death of her husband this had to hit her too. Das and I spent hours listening to her complaints, her being angry at doctors who should know better, and so on and so forth. Elly (mother) and Das drunk a couple of glasses wine and her mood changed in her being happy that we visited her. I was a little concerned about the dogs waiting in the car, but the car was in the shade and the road  very quiet.

I couldn't sit anymore after an hour and I fell asleep on the couch where I gave  my back a rest. Suddenly it was almost  too late to do shopping for dinner and we left her in a hurry. Not in the mood anymore for coocking dinner we went to Mc-Donalds..badbadbad. At home I had  to  lay down having so much pain I had to take morphine and fell soon asleep so no showing magic cloth here.

Yesterday was the birthday of my niece. I made the stupid mistake to take my mothers words for real ( she has Alzheimers disease) and arranged things I should haven't done.
My mother told me, my niece invited her to have lunch with my brothers family so she had to cancel dinner in the nursing home.
I did, but actually my mother was supposed to arrive at 2 o-clock at my brothers. She became so upset why she had to wait so long and she started to ring the whole family  time after time. Later we counted she called me 5 times, my niece 2 times my sister in law 4 times Das 1 time ( the nurse helped her looking for telephone numbers).
I made myself a promise only to pick up the phone 1 time in the morning 1 time in the evening so I didn't know what happened.
There was a tension when we arrived, I didn't understood, felt upset, wanted to be funny to break the tension, which made it worse, I still didn't understood the nasty sphere and became angry (not openly I thought but Das noticed). It was my fault mum called so many times and my sister in law called the whole birthday of my niece a diseaster.
There is a long long history of  misunderstandings, my father talking bad things against my brother about me, things my broter believed and when my father died he finally saw the real thing.  My mother manipulating. Lots of pain caused by alcohol. Lots of drama caused by my being bipolar (manic depressed). I tried to kill myself a couple of times, before my medication really started to work.
Long story short...........in the eyes of my brother and sister in law I'm a fruitcake. Stupid, doing stupid things. I'm not aware until yesterday. I always wanted to explain if I did something wrong but they don't know I'm not aware, I don't see people play with me to let me do things I shouldn't.
I should have seen they organise the birthday and I had to stay away organise for my mother.
Really these are the kind of things I don't do by purpose...
I was so so sad yesterday, I cried and cried about my stupidness, felt so ashamed.
But I'm not going to explain anymore to my family, I finally see what's the problem.... why I'm a fruitcake... I have to deal with it and nobody else.
One step closer to understand , be aware of and take resposibility for myself.

 the truth comes in silence

This is our truth.......the beauty and the beach

July16- a bit about putting things together

working around

firm

go as it comes

the seemwork interests me, I used to work around a plastic and cut it when round.  To have scraps on your lap and go as it comes sounds nice.
The working at the seems at the backround ...I've the idea it will be the magic trick to make it reversable
Will it be strong enough?
that's the question........

When I'm nervous or restless i HAVE to have something in my hands to make, felt, mend, embroider or patch.
I do this from age 16 and it started with all vacation postcards cut into hexagons???? to make a 999 quilt.
I must find a picture of it.
I loved doing it and still if I look at it I remember where, when, why, with who and so on....memories.

love comes home......off now

feel or felt

Still way behind at magic diaries but it gave me time to deside.
I've such a lot of felt pieces, felting was my whole life befor my broken back issues. My motto was...a day without felting is a day not lived.
That was also the period in my life I was at the hypo side of my manic depression illness. The medicine (lithium) didn't stay in my body. I lost it directly when I peed...so no wonder I went wild, alife and kicking...

Also living at the top of my toes with taking care of  Noud who could dye any moment.
I made him a cloth he want to  take with him in the coffin so he could be tucked in and had the idea I was close to him.. He chose the colors himself.
 When I finished it and gave it to him he said..please Yvette call 911.... I'm not good at all
A couple of hours later he dyed.

A couple of months later I damaged my back at a stupid stupid accident and till the day now , several operations later, spending too much time in revalidation center Heliomare, still on morphine and laying most of the ay flat on my back because I cannot sit.
Walking is ok but sitting is hell.

So what to do whith all my felt leftovers, my dye experiments.................

magic diaries!!!!!!!!!!!!

where to begin

 where to begin?

begin to continue

waiting for the magic moment when I suddenly know

waiting for a feather from heaven

do I have to tidy up first or can magic appear in the middle of chaos

the last I presume