Saturday, 3 September 2011

1 september...the truth comes in silence

The first of plan....from this day on every day a piece of magic cloth to show on this blog.
 Reality is different. Life cannot be forced in a specific direction. 1 september Das's mother went to hospital to be diagnosed with cancer on her nose. Not really dangerous but she was very upset and angry why so soon after the death of her husband this had to hit her too. Das and I spent hours listening to her complaints, her being angry at doctors who should know better, and so on and so forth. Elly (mother) and Das drunk a couple of glasses wine and her mood changed in her being happy that we visited her. I was a little concerned about the dogs waiting in the car, but the car was in the shade and the road  very quiet.
I couldn't sit anymore after an hour and I fell asleep on the couch where I gave  my back a rest. Suddenly it was almost  too late to do shopping for dinner and we left her in a hurry. Not in the mood anymore for coocking dinner we went to Mc-Donalds..badbadbad. At home I had  to  lay down having so much pain I had to take morphine and fell soon asleep so no showing magic cloth here.

Yesterday was the birthday of my niece. I made the stupid mistake to take my mothers words for real ( she has Alzheimers disease) and arranged things I should haven't done.
My mother told me, my niece invited her to have lunch with my brothers family so she had to cancel dinner in the nursing home.
I did, but actually my mother was supposed to arrive at 2 o-clock at my brothers. She became so upset why she had to wait so long and she started to ring the whole family  time after time. Later we counted she called me 5 times, my niece 2 times my sister in law 4 times Das 1 time ( the nurse helped her looking for telephone numbers).
I made myself a promise only to pick up the phone 1 time in the morning 1 time in the evening so I didn't know what happened.
There was a tension when we arrived, I didn't understood, felt upset, wanted to be funny to break the tension, which made it worse, I still didn't understood the nasty sphere and became angry (not openly I thought but Das noticed). It was my fault mum called so many times and my sister in law called the whole birthday of my niece a diseaster.
There is a long long history of  misunderstandings, my father talking bad things against my brother about me, things my broter believed and when my father died he finally saw the real thing.  My mother manipulating. Lots of pain caused by alcohol. Lots of drama caused by my being bipolar (manic depressed). I tried to kill myself a couple of times, before my medication really started to work.
Long story the eyes of my brother and sister in law I'm a fruitcake. Stupid, doing stupid things. I'm not aware until yesterday. I always wanted to explain if I did something wrong but they don't know I'm not aware, I don't see people play with me to let me do things I shouldn't.
I should have seen they organise the birthday and I had to stay away organise for my mother.
Really these are the kind of things I don't do by purpose...
I was so so sad yesterday, I cried and cried about my stupidness, felt so ashamed.
But I'm not going to explain anymore to my family, I finally see what's the problem.... why I'm a fruitcake... I have to deal with it and nobody else.
One step closer to understand , be aware of and take resposibility for myself.

 the truth comes in silence

This is our truth.......the beauty and the beach

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