The first of september..my plan....from this day on every day a piece of magic cloth to show on this blog.
Reality is different. Life cannot be forced in a specific direction. 1 september Das's mother went to hospital to be diagnosed with cancer on her nose. Not really dangerous but she was very upset and angry why so soon after the death of her husband this had to hit her too. Das and I spent hours listening to her complaints, her being angry at doctors who should know better, and so on and so forth. Elly (mother) and Das drunk a couple of glasses wine and her mood changed in her being happy that we visited her. I was a little concerned about the dogs waiting in the car, but the car was in the shade and the road very quiet.
I couldn't sit anymore after an hour and I fell asleep on the couch where I gave my back a rest. Suddenly it was almost too late to do shopping for dinner and we left her in a hurry. Not in the mood anymore for coocking dinner we went to Mc-Donalds..badbadbad. At home I had to lay down having so much pain I had to take morphine and fell soon asleep so no showing magic cloth here.
Yesterday was the birthday of my niece. I made the stupid mistake to take my mothers words for real ( she has Alzheimers disease) and arranged things I should haven't done.
My mother told me, my niece invited her to have lunch with my brothers family so she had to cancel dinner in the nursing home.
I did, but actually my mother was supposed to arrive at 2 o-clock at my brothers. She became so upset why she had to wait so long and she started to ring the whole family time after time. Later we counted she called me 5 times, my niece 2 times my sister in law 4 times Das 1 time ( the nurse helped her looking for telephone numbers).
I made myself a promise only to pick up the phone 1 time in the morning 1 time in the evening so I didn't know what happened.
There was a tension when we arrived, I didn't understood, felt upset, wanted to be funny to break the tension, which made it worse, I still didn't understood the nasty sphere and became angry (not openly I thought but Das noticed). It was my fault mum called so many times and my sister in law called the whole birthday of my niece a diseaster.
There is a long long history of misunderstandings, my father talking bad things against my brother about me, things my broter believed and when my father died he finally saw the real thing. My mother manipulating. Lots of pain caused by alcohol. Lots of drama caused by my being bipolar (manic depressed). I tried to kill myself a couple of times, before my medication really started to work.
Long story short...........in the eyes of my brother and sister in law I'm a fruitcake. Stupid, doing stupid things. I'm not aware until yesterday. I always wanted to explain if I did something wrong but they don't know I'm not aware, I don't see people play with me to let me do things I shouldn't.
I should have seen they organise the birthday and I had to stay away organise for my mother.
Really these are the kind of things I don't do by purpose...
I was so so sad yesterday, I cried and cried about my stupidness, felt so ashamed.
But I'm not going to explain anymore to my family, I finally see what's the problem.... why I'm a fruitcake... I have to deal with it and nobody else.
One step closer to understand , be aware of and take resposibility for myself.
the seemwork interests me, I used to work around a plastic and cut it when round. To have scraps on your lap and go as it comes sounds nice.
The working at the seems at the backround ...I've the idea it will be the magic trick to make it reversable
Will it be strong enough?
that's the question........
When I'm nervous or restless i HAVE to have something in my hands to make, felt, mend, embroider or patch.
I do this from age 16 and it started with all vacation postcards cut into hexagons???? to make a 999 quilt.
I must find a picture of it.
I loved doing it and still if I look at it I remember where, when, why, with who and so on....memories.
Still way behind at magic diaries but it gave me time to deside.
I've such a lot of felt pieces, felting was my whole life befor my broken back issues. My motto was...a day without felting is a day not lived.
That was also the period in my life I was at the hypo side of my manic depression illness. The medicine (lithium) didn't stay in my body. I lost it directly when I peed...so no wonder I went wild, alife and kicking...
Also living at the top of my toes with taking care of Noud who could dye any moment.
I made him a cloth he want to take with him in the coffin so he could be tucked in and had the idea I was close to him.. He chose the colors himself.
When I finished it and gave it to him he said..please Yvette call 911.... I'm not good at all
A couple of hours later he dyed.
A couple of months later I damaged my back at a stupid stupid accident and till the day now , several operations later, spending too much time in revalidation center Heliomare, still on morphine and laying most of the ay flat on my back because I cannot sit.
Walking is ok but sitting is hell.
So what to do whith all my felt leftovers, my dye experiments.................
When Noud Cals, my husband , became very ill we said to each other...if one of us is death, we sent feathers from heaven.
Noud died, and I considered all feathers I found, messages from him.
I made a large felt for an exhibition (left) with all the feathers Noud sent to me.
Now , in the online course, " magic diaries" from Jude
I'll consider every stich, every little piece of cloth, as a feather.
Magic diaries.....feathers from heaven.
Na Noud's dood waren alle veertjes die op mijn pad kwamen, boodschappen van Noud (zoals we tijdens zijn ziekte hadden afgesproken).
Hiernaast een werk dat ik maakte voor de tentoonstelling, "tijd om te gaan", met alle veertjes die ik na zijn dood opraapte.
Daarom zal ik in de cursus magic diaries, die ik bij Jude volg , elk steekje, elk lapje als een veertje beschouwen. Een magisch dagboek........ feathers from heaven .